11 Ways to Build Boundaries with Your Parents as an Adult
Hi Mom. Yeah, I’m gonna need some space.
I understand how difficult it can be to set boundaries with your parents, especially as you grow older and become more independent. As someone who has gone through similar experiences, I know firsthand how challenging it can be to balance the desire to maintain a healthy relationship with your parents while also establishing boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. I've also learned that setting these boundaries is crucial to avoid conflicts and maintain a positive relationship with your parents. So, if you're struggling to build healthy boundaries with your parents, know that you're not alone, and I hope the following insights and tips from experts all around the world will be helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Betey (Content Editor)
How to build boundaries with your parents as an adult…
1. Be clear and direct
Be clear about your needs and communicate them in a direct and assertive manner, leaving as little room for confusion or misinterpretation as possible. According to Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist and author, "The more specific you can be, the better."
Consider saying: "Mom/Dad, I need to talk to you about something important. I would appreciate it if you would listen to me without interrupting."
Avoid saying: "I don't know if you care, but I have something to say. I don't know if it matters, but..."
2. Use "I" statements
Avoid using "you" statements that may feel like an attack. Instead, use "I" statements to express how you feel and what you need. For example, you could say "I feel overwhelmed when you drop by unannounced" instead of "You always drop by unannounced and it's stressful for me."
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist, notes that using "I" statements is an effective way to express your feelings and assert yourself without placing blame on the other person. She says, "Using 'I' statements helps to keep the focus on your own experience and prevents the other person from feeling attacked or criticized."
Consider saying: "I feel hurt when you criticise my choices without asking for my perspective first."
Avoid saying: "You always criticise me and never listen to what I have to say."
3. Set limits
Establish clear boundaries with your parents and stick to them. Let them know what behaviours are acceptable and what behaviours are not. According to Dr. Lindsay Henderson, a psychologist and clinical director at Fort Health, "Setting limits is about being clear and consistent with your boundaries. It's important to set limits that are realistic and respectful, and to communicate them clearly to your parents."
Consider saying: "I understand that you want to be involved in my life, and I need to set some boundaries. Please do not call me at work unless it's an emergency."
Avoid saying: "You're always calling me and I can't take it anymore. Just stop bothering me."
4. Take responsibility for your own feelings
It's important to recognize that your feelings are your own responsibility, not your parents'. You can communicate how you feel, however, it's not up to them to change their behaviour to accommodate your feelings.
Some advice from Dr. Jenn Hardy, a licensed clinical psychologist; "It's important to recognize that you have control over your own feelings and reactions, and to communicate them in a way that takes responsibility for them." Here, she emphasises the importance of owning your own feelings and avoiding blaming others.
Consider saying: "Although I understand that you're trying to be helpful, I genuinely feel overwhelmed and stressed when you come over unannounced."
Avoid saying: "You always stress me out and make my life difficult."
5. Be respectful
Even though you may have disagreements, it's important to be respectful towards your parents. Remember that they have their own feelings and needs, too. "Respect is the foundation for healthy relationships, including those between parents and adult children. It's important to be respectful of each other's opinions and beliefs, even if you don't agree with them." – Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counsellor and professor.
Consider saying: "I understand that you have your own opinions and beliefs, and I would appreciate it if you could respect mine as well."
Avoid saying: "You don't know anything and your opinions are outdated and irrelevant."
6. Learn to say no
Saying no can be difficult, and yet, it is really important to set boundaries when you need to. According to therapist Lisa Olivera, "The more you say yes to things you don’t want to do, the more you’ll feel resentful and burned out."
Consider saying: "I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I cannot make it to dinner this weekend. I already have other plans."
Avoid saying: "Fine, I'll come to dinner even though I don't want to. Happy?"
7. Avoid or disengage from arguments
It's important to avoid getting into arguments or power struggles with your parents. Instead, try to remain calm and focused on the issue at hand. Licensed psychologist, Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker, suggests that avoiding arguments is generally the best approach when setting boundaries with parents. She says, "Arguing rarely leads to a resolution and can often make things worse. It's better to state your boundaries clearly and calmly, and then disengage from the conversation if it becomes argumentative."
Consider saying: "I understand that we have different opinions on this matter, and I don't want to argue. Let's agree to disagree."
Avoid saying: "You're wrong and I'm right. End of story."
8. Practice self-care
Take care of yourself and prioritise your own well-being. This can include things like exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends. From a professional perspective, Dr. Deborah Khoshaba, a licensed psychologist, "Self-care is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, including those with your parents. It's important to prioritize your own physical and emotional well-being in order to be your best self."
Consider saying: "I need some time to myself to relax and recharge. I'm going to take a yoga class and then meet up with some friends."
Avoid saying: "I don't have time for myself because I'm always taking care of everyone else."
9. Get support
Talk to a therapist or trusted friend about your feelings and struggles with setting boundaries. They can provide you with guidance and support. On this note, clinical psychologist, Dr. Margaret Rutherford emphasises the importance of seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional when setting boundaries with parents.
"It's important to have a support system in place to help you navigate difficult conversations and emotions that may arise when setting boundaries with your parents." – Dr. Rutherford
Consider saying: "I've been feeling really overwhelmed with setting boundaries with my parents. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist to talk about it."
Avoid saying: "I don't need anyone's help. I can handle this on my own."
10. Be consistent
Consistency is key when it comes to setting boundaries. Stick to your boundaries and expectations, even when it's difficult. Dr. Tania DaSilva, a licensed clinical psychologist, says "Consistency is key when setting boundaries with your parents. It's important to be clear and consistent in your communication and behavior, and to follow through on the boundaries you've set."
Consider saying: "I know it's difficult, and I need to stick to my boundaries. I can't keep changing them every time you ask."
Avoid saying: "I'll make an exception this time, but don't expect me to do it again."
11. Be open to compromise
While it's important to be clear about your boundaries, it's also important to be open to compromise. According to therapist Laura F. Dabney, "You don’t always have to get what you want, but it’s important to know what you need."
Consider saying: "While I understand that you want to be more involved in my life, I need to set some boundaries. Let's talk about a compromise that works for both of us."
Avoid saying: "It's my way or the highway. Take it or leave it."
Made Up Mind content should never be mistaken as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Information published to this website or by this brand is not a replacement for medical advice. Please consult qualified health or mental health professionals with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your mental health.
